However, time goes so incredibly fast with a baby that I try to document what I can to remember it all. We're approaching five months old, Grayson is pretty close to double his birth weight and it's almost already hard to fathom that he used to be this small.
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| Photos by Courtney Heckler Photography |
I went back to work when Grayson was 13 weeks old. Prior to that, we tossed back and forth trying to figure childcare. We thought we had a daycare spot, then we didn't, then we were going to sign a contract for a nanny-share with another family and the night before we go a call that we did have a daycare spot. Aye-yi-yi.
However, the daycare spot we landed didn't start until a week after I was to start back at work. My parents willingly offered to come out from Illinois to help. If I'm being honest, I was hesitant at first. It was a big enough change already and I wasn't sure if I would be stressed by having more people in the house. Then I thought about the upsides: Grayson could stay in our house and even though I wouldn't be there, it seemed like a good transition step for him to go to daycare; cooking! When my parents came out when Grayson was born, they kept us well fed and made some amazing dinners. So going back to work, knowing Gray would be in good hands, knowing I could come home and snuggle him up while someone else made it dinner; yep, sold.
The week prior to going back to work was THE worst. I tried not to think about it, but inevitability every day when the thought crossed my mind, I would tear up and start to cry. At home, in the car; even storytime at the library when a mom friend asked how I was filling. It was awful. I was anxious to move into yet another "new normal". Then my parents got here and the day arrived and I was fine. I barely even cried when I left in the morning! I survived work, came up and snuggled him and slowly, every day got easier and easier until I realized that I would sometimes go an hour or two and not think about him once.
It completely helps that Ben has taken on the majority of drop-off and pick-up. We went together the first day and I occasionally do it, but Ben's office is a mile or two down the street (whereas daycare is 20 minutes out of the way from my project). I really like our set up. I get Grayson ready in the morning (more in a minute) and Ben does the driving. If I feel like I'm missing out, I tell Ben I'll grab him after school and it's no big deal.
Grayson is still tiny; at his four month appointment he was 12lb 7 oz and 23" long; which puts him around 5th percentile in weight and under 1st percentile in height. I'm still shocked! I was an 8lb 15oz baby and born two weeks early. Ben was 10lb 4oz! I mean, we're not big people now, but we were tiny beans babies. He still is wearing newborn (size 0) shoes, size 1 diapers and mostly 0-3 and 3 month clothing. As of this week we starting pulling out some 3-6 month clothes.
I keep this calendar with his milestones and memorable moments. Although, again, sometimes time passes so quickly I forget to write things downs and then I struggle to remember exact dates or flip through photos on my phone to try to remember. The weekend before I started back at work Grayson slept his night straight! We moved him into his room and his crib, after consulting with our pediatrician, just before 4 months. I feel like I was ready for this, but it was a big deal for Ben. Our master suite is on a separate level in the house than Grayson's nursery. I remember Ben saying, "Are you sure? It's so far away!" But as our ped suggested might happen, I think we're all sleeping better being in separate rooms.
He also started to laugh when he was three months. Now, it's more consistent and louder and so stinking cute! At four months he started arching his back. Nearing five months, he's not rolling over quite yet, but he will roll from his back to his side so I think we're nearing the full rolls.
Workday Schedule
Our normal/ideal workday looks like something like this:
5:30am - I wake for work and get ready. I shower the night before to help minimize prep time.
6:10/6:15am - I wake Grayson. Sometimes he's already stirring and other times I rub his tummy to wake him. He immediately nurses and I love this time together. He's still kind of sleepy but as he starts to eat he becomes more alert. His big blue eyes look up and lock in with mine and then he'll pull off and smile. After he finishes eating, we do a diaper and clothing change. I'll pour myself a bowl of cereal and he sits in the Bumbo chair with me while I eat until Ben finishes walking Oscar and is ready to go.
6:45am - We're all out the door for the day
At work, I ideally try to pump three times (8:30a/11:30a/2:30p). If I do this, I typically pump around 16 oz; which is 4 bottles. This is awesome become Grayson is only taking 3 bottles at school which means we get to build a stash. However, the majority of the time I end up getting busy at work which means I get in two pumping sessions. I still produce 12 oz during from two pumps which means we're sustaining the amount of milk needed at day care.
5:00pm - Usually we're all home by 5pm. Sometimes Grayson will have fallen asleep during the drive home and sometimes not. I nurse him at 5:30p and then we work on dinner. (Ideally I get home at 4:30 and can squeeze in a workout before it's time to feed).
7:00pm - Grayson's bedtime. We rotate who puts him down but have worked to establish a routine that includes a diaper change, pajamas on, storytime and bedtime.
Once Grayson is down, it's time to try to fit everything else in. Washing pump parts, shower, layout clothes for the next day, sit down and relax with Ben. There's a lot to squeeze into a little amount of time but I'm trying to make it a priority to dedicate time to us being us.
8:30/9:00pm - Dreamfeed. Now that Grayson's older, he's able to successfully dreamfeed; that is, that he'll nurse without fully waking. I give him a dreamfeed before we head to bed.
Postpartum
I didn't experience any noticeable postpartum thoughts or feelings during maternity leave. I think because we worked hard to establish a routine and schedule (Babywise), that our regular activities and daily meetups with other new moms kept me busy enough not to fall into a funk, but also gave me an outlet to express what I was feeling, when I was feeling it with others who could relate. This was so so helpful! I really had no idea that when I met a group of pregnant women six months into my pregnancy how much they would mean to me in those first several postpartum months (and still now!).
However, I will say that returning to work and putting Grayson in the hands of someone else during the day IS hard. Returning to work and working full days on shorter nights of sleep is hard. Finding energy to come home after work and play with baby, make dinner, exercise, do chores and spend time together as a couple is hard. Like everything in pregnancy, and so far as parents, it's a learning game. Learn what works, learn what doesn't and make adjustments.
Not being able to do everything that I want to, when I want to is hard. Forgetting to write notes in Grayson's calendar or clothes in the washer is frustrating to me. I have my mental to-do list, but it's not at the forefront of my brain and I'm trying to learn that's okay. Life is short and time moves fast. The most important thing I can do is be present for it. So if that means a pile of clean, folding laundry waits three days for me to put it away, then it waits. If a thank you card isn't mailed out in a timely manner, then it isn't and hopefully it's the thought and fact that I remembered to send one that counts. If we go to bed and the couch pillows are in disarray thanks to Oscar, then they look sloppy, but who cares? (Me!)
Things aren't the way they were before. My body isn't the way it was before. Finding time to exercise and even how I exercise is different. I don't have the strength and stamina from when I ran my marathon six months prior to getting pregnant. It took nine months to grow this beautiful boy so it's going to take time to adjust and go back. It's going to take work and time. Things will never be how they were before and that's okay too. It's worth it.
Overall, as a new, first-time mom, I don't have it all together. I try and sometimes I have good days, but some days are hard. I don't always know what I'm doing, but together with Ben, we make it up as we go. I'm trying to give myself grace. It's not always easy and certainly has it's frustrations but eventually I will be me; a new and improved me: mentally, emotionally and physically. Most importantly, every day, every minute, and every second of self-doubt, self-consciousness, and sometimes self-pity, is so worth it for this being that we created.
(PS - I'm working on a separate post regarding our Babywise schedule and sleeptraining)
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