Deja Vu

Here it is the end of July, 2018 and I'm feeling very much like I did this time a year ago.

Last year we had our first pregnancy and come July 2017, we were preparing for our first baby, due September 8th. My pregnancy had been relatively smooth sailing. I was trying to mentally prepare for baby and childbirth.

I'm not sure why or how, but I always knew I wanted an unmedicated birth. We hired a duo of doulas and were enjoying our last two months of us and of summer when my OB said that the baby was measuring large and she wanted to do an ultrasound to double check (we didn't know the gender at the time. Now that Grayson is here, I typically still refer to him as "baby" in utero out of habit).

We found out baby was breech and I spent much of the rest of my pregnancy as hormonal and emotional as it gets. (You can read about it here); and now I'm feeling much of that anxious emotion again right now.

Grayson is ten months old and not crawling yet.  To this point, he hasn't been a physical baby. He's never done log-rolls and is content sitting and playing. He's trying to get on all fours and army crawls backwards but he's not moving. He was a "late" sitter (at seven months and one day) also. At his nine month pediatrician appointment, our ped recommended we do an assessment with our state's Early Intervention program. It took a while to actually get the appointment scheduled and since then Grayson has shown more interest in crawling, so we considered cancelling the appointment.

Yesterday we went to it. He was evaluated with a play-based interview. An occupational and speech therapist asked us questions as they played with him. At the end of the interview, there was a definitive "yes, he qualifies", which surprised both Ben and I.

I spent yesterday afternoon feeling very emotional, similar feelings that I had to our breech pregnancy last time. I know there's an end; our breech baby was going to be born no matter what, just like in time, Grayson will crawl and will walk no matter what. But, it's the unplanned and unforeseen; it's the uncertainty, the stress, the emotional and mental push to get into the light is weighing heavy on my heart right now.

I'm going to give myself a moment to think "why me?". I had many moments, days and probably weeks of this feeling when we found out the baby was breech. But after allowing myself time, I quickly started to think, I don't want to give up hope and schedule a c-section, so what are my options? Similarly for Grayson's gross motor skills, as a parent there's only so much I can wallow. He can't fight for himself yet, so it's up to us to figure out what's best for him, even if we're learning as we go.

Just like Grayson's birth, he's following his own path and knows what was best for him;  I am reminding myself that this is also his path and we're here to help him progress along on it. This isn't the end of the world. This isn't something life-threatening or dangerous and I am thankful for that. This is just another step along parenthood and motherhood that is a learning moment for us all. There will be plenty more of these in his life. Bigger and scarier trials.

Some friends have had their children in the same program and rave about the impact it's had on their children, although they admit it can be hard also.

Moving forward, we'll be assigned an occupational therapist and a coordinator who will come to our house for a biweekly appointment. On the off weeks the OT will visit him at daycare so that he is in his natural settings, and from there, we'll move forward. Literally and figuratively.

Whatever happens, this child will always be the light of me life.

Photos by Courtney Heckler

https://courtneyheckler.com/